On a scale from one to ten, ten being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely nineteen...(Caroline)

So as to inaugurate this fun, new, work-avoiding hobby, I think it is appropriate to discuss one of our (Erica and myself) favorite pastimes, mocking people. We take particular pleasure in those people who seem to be totally oblivious to the fact that it looks like they don't own a mirror. Though this may seem petty and mean-spirited, I think it is important to clarify that I am not simply talking about people whose clothes are slightly outdated or whose hair is windblown. Let's be clear, neither Erica nor myself have recently appeared on the cover of any magazines (although I am quite confident that a prominent picture in the National Enquirer is somewhere in our immediate future). No, I am talking about those unfortunate freak shows who seem to be caught in a tapered-pants wearing, acid-washed loving, blast from the past, absolute crapfest of attire.

Let me illustrate my point with an example. I have an acquaintance (hereafter referred to as Lynn) who loves to wear acid-washed jeans. Not those skinny jeans that 7-for-all Mankind made this year. No, she wears the ones with tapered legs and zippers on the bottom. To complete the look, she adds a t-shirt depicting some endangered animal in a mist of glitter and strange colors. It's usually some sort of leopard. And finally, instead of accessorizing with a Hermes Birkin bag or a nice Gucci clutch, she adds the dreaded fanny-pack. The fanny-pack, I firmly believe will rank as one of man's cruelest and most diabolical inventions, somewhere between the atomic bomb and the drive-through restaurant.

Now my real issue with Lynn is that she has no idea why people, more specifically men, are not instantly drawn to her like a moth to a flame. It truly is a mystery. I cannot understand why every man is not chasing after a woman who looks like an extra from St. Elmo's Fire with a pouch of vinyl strapped across her midsection like a new-age chastity belt. Let's be clear- if you are rocking a fanny pack, you will never get laid.

Honestly, people like this are a complete enigma to me. Seriously, just turn on the TV, pick up a magazine, walk by a store. DO SOMETHING! I guess what really gets me is that there is no barrier to Lynn taking a huge fashion risk, and oh I don't know, joining the rest of us in the new millennium. What I mean is that current, fashionable clothing is available at all price-points... from Target to Neiman Marcus. More importantly, truly classic pieces can last for years. So pull out those straight leg pants and your vintage trench coat. Go forth and be visually appealing to someone other than Dee Snider circa 1983!